Top 11 Reasons Why You and Your Ex Broke up

Submitted by Lior

Expert's Analysis

If you want to get back with an ex, you must understand why the breakup happened.

Knowing the real reasons will help you figure out the best plan for getting them back. For example, if one reason was because you were overly needy, then you should avoid sending a long text about how much you need them in your life. A funny, spontaneous, casual text would be much more appropriate.

You'll also learn how you or your ex need to change so a new relationship together doesn't end up like the last one. For example, if another reason you two broke up was because you were lazy about finding a job, then you should reach out to your ex only after you've landed a new job.

Fortunately, the fundamental reasons why people break up are common. Most breakups can be explained by one or more of these 11 common reasons. Use this list to try and figure out why your breakup happened.

1. Loss of Attraction

Less physically attraction

  • Gaining weight
  • Losing muscle
  • Aging
  • Dress in ways that are less attractive
  • Interactions not fun/flirty anymore

Lower status

  • Career trouble

  • Smaller work or social network

  • Behaving in a way that makes partner feel they have more power in relationship

    • Needy/clingy/desperate/jealous behavior
    • Asking for their approval
    • Insincerely acting nice and apologetic constantly

Mental attraction blocks

Mental blocks in partner from allowing attraction to be developed

  • Made partner feel guilty or embarrassed about their sexual needs

  • Brainwashed to believe their thoughts on what makes a person attractive are overly superficial and wrong

  • Religious beliefs that suppress

2. Bored of Relationship

Cannot pursue interests

Wanting to pursue interests that cannot be pursued while in the relationship

  • Live the single life longer

  • Want to experience an open relationship when partner doesn’t

  • Expensive, time-consuming hobbies or experiences

  • Traveling the world alone for 2 years

  • Skiing

  • Exploring other religions that differ from your partners

Excitement gone

  • Entered routines that involve fewer novel experiences than preferred
  • Less romance
  • Loss of attraction

3. Sexual Incompatibility

Not having enough sex

  • Lost of attraction
  • Prerequisite emotional needs not being fulfilled

Cannot fulfill partner’s sexual needs

  • Discomfort performing certain sexual acts
  • Not being able to have sex with them as much as they’d like
  • Medical issues or medicine that affects their sexual performance

Not believing partner can make them sexually fulfilled

  • Partner struggling to fulfill needs

  • Unwilling to indulge certain fantasies

  • Physically unable to be as sexually active as preferred

  • Partner doesn’t appear to be concerned about fulfilling sexual needs

  • Fearing openly discussing sexual needs because partner is judgmental

4. Emotional Needs Not Met

Lacking attention

  • Shifting attention more towards other pursuits or people

  • Chatting/hanging out with friends or family more frequently

  • Spending more time at work

  • Less interactions

  • Not talking as much when together in-person

  • Calling or texting less when not physically together

  • Drop in communication quality

  • Vague responses

  • Not clarifying understanding as much

Lacking intimacy

  • Less romance
  • Less constructive conversations about each other’s feelings
  • Constant fighting
  • Anger issues

Not emotionally supportive

  • Unavailable to communicate when feeling vulnerable

  • Doesn’t compliment or acknowledge accomplishments

  • Not supportive of goals and passions

  • Insensitive to your insecurities

  • Always joke about something you’re sensitive about, even after asking them not to

Lacking security

  • Distrust promises

  • Financial instability

  • Uncertain of relationship’s direction

  • Not understanding behavior

  • Mixed signals

  • Upcoming unpredictable events strongly influence relationship’s direction

  • Where high school couples get placed into college

  • Whether parents will approve relationship

Lacking Autonomy

  • Controlling/possessive behavior

  • Saying not to go out with friends to clubs/bars

  • Demanding to share phone or social networking application passwords

  • Constantly asking for whereabouts

  • Nagging constantly about what they should be doing

  • Manipulative

  • Inaccurately framing situations as either positive or negative in order to control thoughts//feelings

  • Redirects blame

Making decisions for them

  • Deciding where to eat or which movies to see without their input
  • Ordering for them at restaurants

5. Breaking Trust

Infidelity

  • Cheating physically or emotionally

Lying

  • Having a pattern of making a lot of white lies
  • Lying about something important

Breaking promises

  • Not doing what they verbally promised to do

6. Incompatible Values

Different prioritization

  • Some values include: physical health, extended family involvement, cleanliness, traveling, religion, integrity, privacy

Unsure about own values

  • Needs space to figure it out

7. Different Points In Life

Life experiences, personality, cultural background, maturity level, financial situation and general life experiences factor into where we believe we are in life. Like when to get an education, start a career, live the single life, move in together with their partner, get married, have kids, etc. If the partner believes they’re at different points in life, it can sometimes be the sole reason for the breakup.

Disagreement on progressing the relationship

  • Want to get married at different ages

Disagreement on making life changes

  • One partner ready to have kids now, the other not

8. Unforgivable Incident

Saying something very hurtful

  • Public embarrassment

  • Disrespecting family or family culture in front of them

  • Personally offensive

Breaking important promises

  • Not coming to an personally important and meaningful event for a bad reason
  • Infidelity
  • Lying about one thing the partner cared a lot to know the truth about

Abusive behavior

  • Violence

9. Found someone new

Someone who provides more value

  • The value provided in previous relationship was less than it used to be

  • Provides value in areas that were lacking in previous relationship

  • Losing to competition after their dating market value went up

  • Dropping 200 pounds and being exposed to a pool of higher value people interested in them, competition just got tougher

Someone who provides less, but different values

  • Find an unattractive nice person because previous relationship involved no emotional support, autonomy, or attention

10. Unhealthy lifestyle

Addictions

  • Drug addiction
  • Gambling problem

Substance Abuse

  • Alcohol problem

  • Out of control when binge drinks

  • Wastes weekends smoking week and not being productive

11. Abused in relationship

Partner exhibited a pattern of abusive behavior

  • Includes any coercive behavior to maintain power and control in the relationship
  • Abuse in the form of emotional, financial, sexual or physical threats, isolation, or intimidation
  • Violent


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