The 3 Purposes of Texting

You have no idea what to say to this person right now. You’re staring down at the screen, wracking your brain for… something. It seems like no matter what message you send, it’s going to come off forced. Contrived. Awkward.

Now take a step back and ask yourself: Why are you sending this text?

First, remember that dating is a game, like soccer. Sending a text message is like kicking a soccer ball: the larger purpose is always to score a goal.

To figure out why you’re sending this text, we’ll work backwards from the 4 dating goals. The goal of sending this text is to get company, connection, commitment, and/or sex from the other person.

What’s standing between you and your dating goal right now? Or if you’ve already scored the goal and just want to keep scoring, what would be the most likely thing to stop you?


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It turns out that all the obstacles in your way fall into three categories. These are the 3 purposes of texting:

  1. ATTRACTION You’re not their type. They don’t like your gender. They don’t like your race. They don’t like your body. They don’t like your smile. They don’t like your style. They don’t like your smell. They don’t like your voice. They don’t like how you carry yourself. They don’t like your personality. You’re too mean, or too nice. Too shallow, or too deep. Too dumb, or too smart. Too serious, or too funny. Too insecure, or too cocky.

  2. RAPPORT They don’t feel safe around you. They don’t know you well. They don’t feel like they can trust you. They think you two aren’t compatible. You don’t seem to care to get to know them. You don’t seem to like them. You don’t seem to care about their needs. You don’t seem like you’re ready for commitment.

  3. LOGISTICS Their parents won’t let them see you. Their religion forbids them from associating with you. They’ve taken a vow of celibacy. They’re leaving the country soon. There’s not enough privacy. They don’t know where and when to meet you. They don’t know what to wear. They don’t have a convenient method of transportation. They’re too busy.

Therefore, every text you send should have a purpose of addressing at least one of these three issues.

We’ll say it again, because this is definitely one of the most important core principles to keep in mind:

Every text you send should build attraction, build rapport, and/or set up favorable logistics.