Right when you thought reconnecting with your ex was hopeless, nothing was working, every mistake was made… you happen to stumble upon "The No Contact Rule."
Hope was restored!
No Contact is an essential step in getting back together with an ex and has worked successfully for thousands of people.
It works, it’s easy to understand, what could go wrong?
If you’ve attempted No Contact you’ve learned the hard way just how difficult it is.
You’re fighting every instinct in your body telling you to quit. Fears you didn’t even know you had will start creeping up.
These fears are perfectly normal and you shouldn’t feel bad about having them, but holding onto these fears guarantee that No Contact won’t work for you.
Your fears are a symptom of not doing what you must be doing during No Contact.
Your actions before No Contact didn’t work. You were in a psychological state that caused you to take those actions. Your fears going into No Contact come from the same psychological state that led to the breakup and likely made things worse when trying to reconnect.
Holding onto these fears guarantee No Contact won't work
No Contact is your time to break old patterns and build healthy and more attractive ones.
The number one mistake people make during No Contact is believing that all they need to do is have zero interactions with their ex.
At most, maybe start a new hobby, lose a few pounds, and suppress their deepest fears for about 30-60 days. They hope No Contact will do its magic and they’ll soon reunite with their ex again.
But discovering and fixing your dysfunctional psychological patterns doesn’t happen without putting in the right effort.
If you’re doing No Contact, here are 5 things you must do in order to prevent sabotaging your chances of successfully reconnecting:
You can learn a lot about yourself and your ex by understanding your breakup. Every relationship has its conflicts and challenges, but they don’t all end with a breakup. What makes a breakup significant is that one or both partners are not only unhappy but also convinced that things won’t improve.
People can change, but this time change seems impossible. This means there’s some deep-set behavioral pattern that you or your ex have that prevents your ex from entertaining the idea that things can improve.
Understanding why the breakup happened is most likely going to reveal a pattern of behavior that you will need to break and repair.
Identifying your pattern of actions and reactions that may have contributed to the breakup is the first step in overcoming those patterns. Then, you want to understand why you do it.
For example, if you have a pattern of retreating to your office during arguments or being overly confrontational when your partner asks for space, consider what you’re feeling and thinking in those times.
Do you feel like you’re always being blamed and that makes you angry?
Are you afraid that this will be the moment your partner leaves you and that fear consumes you?
By uncovering your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that spark your action you give yourself the ability to respond in a different, healthier, and more attractive way.
Your boundaries are your personal rules, or code of conduct, for the way you’d like others to treat you and how you treat yourself.
For example, you may have a boundary that you will not accept being put down or insulted by your romantic partner. You deem it unacceptable behavior and you hold partners who cross your boundaries accountable for their actions.
You also respect yourself by sticking with your boundary and not allowing yourself to be treated in a way you know you don’t want to be treated.
You also respect yourself by sticking with your boundary
Having boundaries like these aren’t only rules for how others should treat you, but also serve as guides for what actions and choices you make - like who you decide to be in a relationship with and how you conduct yourself with them.
Having healthy boundaries help you avoid unconscious behaviors that have been keeping you stuck in a pattern that isn't helping you.
In your journey of self-discovery, you’ll learn about what changes you want to make, and those changes are going to be unique to you.
The painful/harsh thoughts and feelings that trigger your patterns will slowly weaken
Hitting the gym, building a support system, journaling, and the other typical self-improvement avenues are still a good idea, but you also want to work on breaking bad habits and dysfunctional patterns that contributed to your breakup.
You’ll be able to create new, healthier patterns when you begin actually changing your behaviors. The painful/harsh thoughts and feelings that trigger your patterns will slowly weaken and be less overwhelming.
Doing No Contact right isn’t easy. You’re essentially condensing months or years of self-improvement into 30 days.
You will sometimes regress to your old patterns or your fears will consume and control your behavior. In fact, you should expect it to happen.
Periodically checking in with yourself will help keep you from spiraling out of control and going off the path you were on. You don't want to do or say something that will undo all the progress you've made.
Want guaranteed results? Click here to chat with a Relationship Coach who will help you figure out exactly what's going on through your ex's mind and how you can win them back.