Message Of Connection - The Most Important Step To Get Your Ex Back

To successfully reconnect with an ex, it's crucial to set things up correctly. That's where the Message of Connection comes in.

Once you have decided that you want your ex back, determined the reason for the breakup, and pinpointed the communication breakdown - it is time to put that information to use by writing your ex a Message of Connection.

The goal with the Message of Connection (MOC) is to help spark connection in a healthy way. It helps you communicate/express yourself effectively and demonstrates a better understanding of your partner and yourself.

When connection is present in a relationship, partners are attuned to how the other feels and thinks at each moment. By maintaining a connection:

  • Partners feel safe and understood - they can trust one another to be treated the way they want to be treated.

  • Conflicts get resolved - partners quickly realize why their partner behaved the way they did and they express themselves effectively and make appropriate compromises in order to restore the connection.

What is Disconnection?

# What is disconnection

When partners experience a disconnect, they feel less safe and trusting and feel more lonely and vulnerable. In unhealthy relationships, the pain and vulnerability experienced by a disconnect causes partners to:

  • Prevent themselves from being hurt more by detaching further

  • Stonewall

  • Become cold/distant

  • Come up with false explanations for their behavior to make them feel like they still understand each other, and therefore are connected (not always a positive belief)

  • “He still cares about me, he’s just very forgetful”

  • “She’s not interested in what I have to say because she simply isn’t smart enough”

  • “What I said wasn’t hurtful, he’s overly sensitive”

  • Push partner do something that would restore connection

  • “Why don’t you just say you’re sorry already?!”

  • Attack partner for making them feel hurt

  • The partner feeling the disconnect might feel hurt while the other isn’t, and would try hurting them back, often because they are struggling to express their needs.

As we have done earlier while determining the reason the breakup happened, before creating an impactful message of connection you must effectively diagnose the core issue, the source of the disconnect in the relationship.

Ask yourself:


What has been misunderstood?


What has been misinterpreted?


What needs are not being met?

If you don’t have enough information to answer those questions right now, go back to the [previous step]() before writing the MOC.

Basic Formula Of The MOC:

# MOC Formula

  • Greeting/Intro that gives context for what you are about to say:

  • "I've been reflecting these past few days…"

  • "Since we last spoke, what you/I/we said has been on my mind…"

  • If the last interaction involved high emotions, showing ownership of how you weren't expressing yourself effectively

  • "I went too far when I said…"

  • "I was harsh when I said…"

  • "When I said… …my emotions got the best of me and I wasn't thinking clearly."

  • Using examples from your assessment of the core issues of disconnect, highlight what you were feeling/needing/misunderstanding that contributed to the disconnect.

  • "I felt so much shock, disappointment, and uncertainty seeing how my family treated you. I became too caught up in how hard this situation was for me, I lost myself in it and stopped showing up as the woman you knew and loved."

  • "I know that traveling to Germany was not something you were fond of, and it occurred to me that perhaps this was because of what you spoke about before, that in your childhood, you traveled the globe and didn't want that lifestyle as an adult. If I had realized, during our time together, that extent of this within you, I would have chosen to travel to you each and every time."

  • If appropriate, sharing a concrete actionable step that will feel significant to your ex and is achievable by you.

  • Ending with a sentiment that leaves an opening for connection - potentially hoping to connect again soon. If taking space is needed or has been requested by your ex, showing understanding in a way that allows your ex to choose without pressure.

  • "If you need this time, I understand and will respect your decision…"

  • "I hope we can meet and talk again soon, but if you decide not to, I will respect that decision."

Example Messages:

# example MOC

Hey [[Ex's Name]], after you dropped me off Sunday I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting. I was harsh in how I asked you to find another place and I’m coming to realize I was not thinking clearly at the time and my emotions got the better of me. And then I saw you handle the situation the opposite way. I felt you had control over your emotions in a way I couldn’t and already found another place to stay. I guess I’m trying to say I’m seeing you and how I thought of you differently. Maybe you know what you want and I’ve only given you reasons to doubt that or not be open with me. I hope we can meet and talk again soon but if you decide not to, I respect that decision.


Hey [[Ex’s Name]]. You are right when you say my attitude has been negative and moody lately. I have been thinking about it, and I can understand how our relationship became another source of stress for you rather than that place where you felt comfortable and relaxed. I can recognize my responsibility for that happening. I guess I was feeling insecure, I care deeply about you and let my insecurities react in a negative way. If you want to meet to talk this through, I would be really happy to do so. I care a lot about you and this thing we have. But, if you also need space I am willing to respect that. It hurts a lot, but I want to respect whatever decision you need to make to feel the best, even if that means we won't continue to see each other.


[[Ex's Name]], Your words have given me much to reflect over these past few days. You’re right to be angry with how things went down, I too am upset with my parents and myself, not only for what happened but for how I handled it. I should have been secure enough in our love to stand up for you, for us. You have never faltered in this and I hope to emulate you in this way. I'm taking the first steps to correct my mistake this weekend, having my parents down for a chat. When it comes to you, I won’t listen to what they say and will physically remove myself from their presence if I need to for that to happen. I understand you need to have space to process your emotions and I will respect that. Know that I will be holding you in my heart during this time and will be turning my focus to creating better boundaries with my family. I hope we can reconnect soon and get back to the amazing times we had together.

Key Components Of The MOC

  • Connection requires an understanding of emotions - and the important part is acknowledging and validating emotions - which usually negates the barrier to connection.

  • A compassionate tone to the message is important – incorporating words and phrases that make the reader feel understood and cared about.

  • True statements that you likely wouldn't have been able to identify or wouldn't have told ex without the self-reflection and analysis you have done.

  • Using "I" statements focusing on the way you feel.

  • Avoiding assumptions regarding how your ex might be feeling or putting blame on your ex.

  • By describing why you feel the way you do, you are validating your ex.

# letter

Steps After Sending The MOC

After you've written and sent the Message of Connection, the next steps involve holding space. This is important as it allows your ex to take time to process your words and have time to heal.

This period is referred to as the No Contact period.

Link to Full Guide


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