How To Get Back With Your Ex - The Ultimate Guide

Before moving forward with this guide, consider whether you should or even want to get back with your ex. Here's what to ask yourself:

Why did we break up?
What would other people say about our relationship?
What changed?
How do I want to feel in a relationship?
Was the relationship abusive? (in which case you we don't condone you get back)

A common belief is that an ex is an ex for a reason and that you'll be met with the same problems if you ever got back together. But this doesn't have to be the case. A breakup can be a catalyst to learn what you did great in the relationship and also where the ball was dropped and what improvements need to be made. When breakups are used as a learning tool like this, they can help you determine whether the relationship can be re-established into a healthier and happier union.

Now reflect on the questions you asked yourself above:

Why did we break up? You probably broke up for a good reason so it's important to remember what that reason was. Especially if the breakup isn't fresh, it's easy to forget or gloss over the reason. Time may heal wounds, but it also scrambles memory --- you don't want to meet up with your ex and have an "Oh ya… THIS is why we broke up" moment.
What would other people say about our relationship? Talk to people who knew you when you were with your ex. Ask them: "Did I shine brightly?", "Was I happy?", "What made me unhappy?", "Do you think this person is good for me?". As time goes by, it's easy for our selective memory to recall only the positive memories. Polling people from the outside help you reflect back on your relationship more objectively.
What changed? Relationships are a dance that take two. How were you or your ex responsible for the patterns in the relationship? What have you or your ex changed that might prevent flopping the dance again? For example, have you learned to set boundaries and communicate your needs better? Or, are you and your ex still going through opposing life stages? Look for evidence that you or your ex have changed in a positive direction. You or your ex's actions after the breakup will be much more revealing than your conjectures.
How do I want to feel in a relationship? Consider which feelings you prioritize over other. How much do you care about feeling loved? Excited? Respected? Protected? Get a clear idea on your needs and desires and ask yourself if a relationship with your ex can fulfill them.

If you haven't reflected on these questions, then you can't be sure whether you're getting on the exact same ride. If you did reflect on these questions, you're well aware that you're getting on the same ride unless something changes. This guide will help you know what changes you need to make and how to reconnect when the time is right.

__Want guaranteed results? __Click here to chat with a relationship coach. We have a team of highly trained relationship coaches who get you, get your situation, and help you accomplish what you want. They help you through complicated and difficult love situations like deciphering mixed signals, getting over a breakup, or anything else you're worried about. You immediately connect with a coach on text or over the phone in minutes. Just click here to start.

Generic 7-step Guide

There are many articles, blog posts, and books on how to get an ex back. The core of what they teach can be distilled to a 7-step guide, from the point the breakup occurs, to the point you meet again in-person.

You'll get a general idea of what is involved in getting an ex back. You'll rarely want to tell you to follow these steps exactly. There are too many exceptions to the rules. But you will often coach you to take similar steps, just not always in the same order, and some steps you may skip all together.

Step 1: Understand Why The Breakup Happened

Unlike the other steps in this generic guide, this one should always be done. Before you can provide personalized coaching to you, you'll have to understand why their particular breakup happened. The coaching you give will depend on the reason.

You'll need to share your assessment of why the breakup happened with you. Here are a few reasons why:

Get you's useful feedback on how accurate your assessment sounds
Builds your credibility with you
Provides context for the subsequent coaching you'll provide
May help you better understand why the breakup happened

Step 2: Message of Connection

This message is meant for you to send their ex after about 3--5 days after the breakup happened, either in a text message or email. After the message is sent, the No Contact Period begins.

This message is designed to show, not only tell, your ex the following about you:

Accepted of the situation
Acknowledged mistakes
Understand any pain caused
Will focus on self-improvement
Hoping things work out again
Not going to reach out in the near future

The ideal message should only be a 4--5 sentences. It shouldn't be overly emotional, apologetic, or demanding. It should come of mature and give the impression you've got a hold on your emotions. And add a bit of humor, it helps shows you're not angry or still feeling strong emotions. Like the name suggests, this message should say farewell (temporarily) in a way that maintains your dignity

Examples

Here are some examples of MOC's we've helped clients send to their ex's:

This you didn't get a response from their ex for several days following a big fight they had:

[his first name], I've been reflecting on all that's happened and trying to figure out how I let myself act the way I did. I've recently had some personal issues and new insecurities I have had trouble dealing, and I'm afraid I let them hijack my sensibility in the moment. I'm ashamed and embarrassed for my behavior and totally understand why they didn't make sense for you at the time. I've been working a lot on myself over the weeks and determined to overcome them. Hope we get back to the laughter.

Another you whose ex wouldn't respond to him for a long time:

Hey [her first name], I respect your decision to not respond to me for whatever reason, however I'm left confused and would appreciate if you could share more. Lately I realized that I don't know how you feel about me, I understand if you don't want to tell me, but I would deeply appreciate it if you did. This last 2 weeks too many thing have been happening, so busy that I just realized it's been a long time since we stopped talked, and we use to do 7 hours ;)…on the phone…crazy… Anyway, I hope you're doing well and wish you the best

Step 3: No Contact Period

During this period of no contact, you should avoid initiating any sort of contact with their ex. No calling, texting, Snapchatting, Facebooking, Instagramming, etc. you may be tempted to text or call in the middle of the night when you're feeling alone and vulnerable. Or if they have a bad history of drunk texting. In that case, you can recommend removing or blocking their ex from their phone or any chatting application.

Doing the No Contact Period provides time for:

you to focus on improving himself
Their ex to forget about the negative thoughts and feels about you
Getting you into a more emotionally stable state before reengaging
Proving that the ex's desire to breakup is taken seriously
Making you more intriguing

The standard time period for how long the No Contact Period should be is 30 days. But This will highly vary depending on you's situation. And the duration can always change as new events unfold. For example, the No Contact Period should be broken if the ex initiates within that time.

Help Find Distractions

Sometimes you need to find a healthy way to distract themselves from thinking about their ex throughout the no-contact period. Here are some suggestions you can give them:

Call friends or family on the phone
Hang out with friends and family
Exercise
Cook your favorite dish
Go for a hike
Play video games
Go shopping
Work on car, motorcycle, bicycle, etc
Start a blog
Do yoga, tai chi, or other less intensive exercises

Benefits Of Doing No Contact

Here's a blog post covering the benefits of doing No Contact more in-depth.

When To Skip No Contact

Here are a few breakup reasons where No Contact is actively harmful:

You cheated on your partner
You said or did something to greatly hurt your partner
You sabotaged the relationship and said hurtful things you don't really mean
You haven't given them the level of attention they want from you
You weren't emotionally supportive

A period of No Contact would hurt your chances of getting back together with your ex. The one thing in common with these reasons is that spending time apart would only support the idea you haven't changed.

Here's a blog post covering the topic in more detail.

Step 4: Focus On Self-Improvement

The No Contact Period is hard for many you to go through. Especially coming right out of a relationship, they have more time to themselves than they're used to. It's tempting for them to use this time in unhealthy ways, but if they focus on self-improvement, not only will they be overall happier, they'll also improve their chances of getting their ex back. They'll come out a better, healthier, happier person and romantic partner.

Getting a better job or promotion
Learn something new
Start a fun/challenging hobby (not video games)
Exercise
Expand or create new social circle
Improve in areas their ex said they need to improve on
If ex thought you had bad sleeping habits, they can work on that

Step 5: Reengagement Message

This message normally gets sent (via text) to you's ex after completing the No Contact Period. It's designed to to initiate a conversation.

Doing this step is probably the most difficult step to do correctly. To do it right, you need to know enough about you's relationship history with their ex. You'll also have to get creative and write the message in a way that's funny, culturally relevant, and somewhat consistent with you's communication style.

The Elements

Here are several elements that make up a good Reengagement Message

Spontaneous
Says you was recently involved with something that reminded them of their ex
Sentimental
Brings up an experience both you and ex have positive associations with
Funny
Doesn't have to be hilarious, just funny enough to create a positive reaction
Can be an inside joke
Casual
Short
About 300 characters (2--3 sentences)
Easy to respond
Should end with a question or two that are easy to respond to
Open-ended questions, but ask about something specific in their life

Examples

Here are some examples of Reengagement Messages we've helped you send to their ex's:

you and his ex bonded over lip-synching to Disney songs and Neil Diamond, here are two different versions we offered:

I'm babysitting my niece right now and she just has to rewatch Aladdin shows the whole time. Reminded me of you.. where's Neil Diamond when you need him heh. Are your [whatever day of week] also this fun?

I went to karaoke at [name of bar] the other night, some big hairy guy decided to sing "a whole new world", I was floored lol, but it also reminded me of you (in a good way). How was your weekend? Any good lip syncing?

you and ex both loved mangos and have some fun experiences eating them together:

I just robbed a mango from someone's background lol. After the rush, made me think of you. How have you been? Not a criminal like me I hope

you had a lot of fun experiences at a particular bar with his ex (the picture referenced is of a couple at the bar):

[show picture] I went to [bar name] last night, reminded me of our awkward first date lol. Speaking of, do you think this girl looks like she's into this guy?

you used to ride on the back of ex's motorcycle

Hey [his first name] :) I just drove by [the road they would often have motorcycle rides on] and it made me think of you. Wasn't nearly as adventurous in a car though lol. How are you doing? Ever finish the [motorcycle he's working on]

Step 6: Reigniting Conversation

This step involves having the conversation which the Reengagement Message started. The goal of this conversation is to reignite the spark in you's relationship with their ex. Like the Reengagement Message, it should have the same casual tone and elicit positive emotions. If you successfully self-improved, they can use the conversation as an opportunity to talk about what they've accomplished.

The difficulty of this step highly depends on the ex's response to the Reengagement Message. If their response is very positive, you may have an easy time carrying on the conversation (as they have many times during their relationship). If the response is negative, delayed or contains mixed signals, the next message should calibrate accordingly.

Examples

The screenshot below starts with a Reengagement Message, which gets a response. The next message continues the conversations with the same positive vibe. It's also contains a tease in order to reignite the passion:

Step 7: Scheduling Meetup Message

After successfully rekindling the spark in the Reigniting Conversation, it's time to send a message intended to schedule a time to meet up.

There's a spectrum of how direct this message can be. An example of an indirect message is "Some friends and I are going to shoot pool at the local pub. Shoot me a text if you're in the area". In this example, a meeting wasn't even brought up, it was just implied. An example of a direct message would be, "Let's me at the local pub and shoot some pool at 7:00PM Monday". There's no room for ambiguity here.

The challenge in writing the Scheduling Meetup Message is in figuring out the right level of directness. The simplest approach would be to match the level of directness the ex is communicating with. Future modules will explain how to figure it out in more detail.

Meetup Message Example

This screenshot starts with a Scheduling Meetup Message that received mixed signals:

Recovering

It's not over when the Scheduling Meetup Message doesn't succeed in scheduling a meeting. The best way to recover is to not make a big deal out of it and move on to a new conversational thread.

you can backtrack to Step 6: Reigniting Conversation if the response wasn't too negative. Here's the rest of the conversation in same example that successfully moved back to Step 6:

If the response was very negative, like just a "No" or no response at all. you might have to backtrack to Step 3: No Contact Period.

Graphic Timeline Overview

Here's an overview that will help you know where in time the steps take place. The following graphic is a timeline, from the day the breakup occurs, to the day you meet with the ex again, and when those steps should be taken within that time:

Assessing & Addressing What Caused The Breakup

This section covers example coaching for common breakup reasons. The best coaching may not always be the same as these examples, context matters too, but this will serve as a good starting point.

The coaching in these examples are designed to help convince you's ex that, if they started a new relationship together, the same issues wouldn't reappear. And since communication with an ex is limited, these coaching examples focus on dropping subtle hints that you has improved.

Loss of Attraction

Less physically attraction

Aging
Improve attractive qualities that don't rely on physical appearance, like communication skills and fashion. Post pictures of yourself on social networking sites that show off your improvements.
Interactions not fun/flirty anymore
There was a time in your relationship when you were fun and flirty. What were your interactions like then? Your messages can have a similar vibe to them, which will show your ex you're still capable of being fun/flirty.

Lower status

Career trouble
Are there any ways you can rise in the ranks at your job? If not, is there a side hobby you could start? Showing you're at least ambitious is attractive too. You can hint at your accomplishments in a conversation with your ex.
Smaller work or social network
Talk to more people in general and connect with them on a social networking site/app. One way of getting people to connect with you is by offering to help them with something. If that's a difficult task, then join a club or meetup group.
Behaving in a way that makes partner feel they have more power in relationship
Needy/clingy/desperate/jealous behavior
Don't contact them
Asking for their approval
First, don't ask for approval unless it's required. In these cases, don't ask for approval even if you're afraid they'll get made. Also if you share information about yourself, wait for her response for only a split second before continuing a new conversational topic.
Insincerely acting nice and apologetic constantly
Figure out what nice things you've done in the past and later regretted it. Don't act nice in similar situations. Also, ask yourself what your motive is in acting nice, maybe you're using niceness to get something out of people and it's transparent. Try skipping the "nice" act and be assertive about what you want. Using an assertive communication style with your ex will quickly show you've changed for the better.

Mental attraction blocks

Mental blocks in partner from allowing attraction to be developed

Made partner feel guilty or embarrassed about their sexual needs
Learn more online about partners sexual needs to better understand them. By understanding, you're less likely to come off as judgementel when the topic comes up again.
Religious beliefs that suppress
Decide whether you prefer to uphold your religion's beliefs about sex/sexuality over the beliefs your ex has. If you choose the latter, indirectly communicate that you've been questioning some of your religion's beliefs or think some of them are outright wrong.

Bored of Relationship

Cannot pursue interests

Wanting to pursue interests that cannot be pursued while in the relationship

Live the single life longer
Give your ex space to experience the single life, especially if they've never done so. If you're monogamous, there's not much you can do besides waiting about 30 days before reengaging them.
Expensive, time-consuming hobbies or experiences
Try to get into the same hobbies your ex is into. It would be less time-consuming if you do it together. If you can't do their hobbies, then be supportive, give them space to do them, and talk about it without showing anger.
Exploring other religions that differ from your partners
Decide whether you're open to learning more about their new religious interest. If yes, then ask them about it in a curious/excited tone.

Emotional Needs Not Met

Lacking attention

Shifting attention more towards other pursuits or people
Start paying more attention to them without saying you'll try, just do. If this is more a logistical problem, then ask to schedule when to meet. Also, tell your ex stories about the new people you've met. This will make them feel more included.
Less interactions
Not talking as much when together in-person
Be more attentive and prove it by practicing reflective/active listening
Calling or texting less when not physically together
Occasionally send a text of something light, funny, or interesting gossip. These texts will lead to longer conversations.
Drop in communication quality
Vague responses
Vague responses are a sign of deception. You might be using vagueness to prevent yourself from expressing emotions, like resentment, or you're trying to keep a secret. Figure out when in the past your were being vague and think about why you chose to be vague and less direct. Depending on the reason, it should be something you try improving about yourself. Sharing with your ex how you really felt will help.
Not clarifying understanding as much
This is a sign you didn't care enough about your ex to understand them. If you do actually care, then you should clarify understanding more often. If you're starting to care less, clarify anyway, but then change the topic to something you find more interesting.

Lacking Autonomy

Controlling/possessive behavior

Saying not to go out with friends to clubs/bars
Tell your ex you believe they have the freedom to make that decision and you respect it. Mention going out to clubs/bars yourself or post pictures of you in them on social media.
Demanding to share phone or social networking application passwords
Apologize for making these demands and express how you think it just promotes distrust. Say that you'll never know everything she's doing anyway. Express how you feel guilty thinking back about it.
Constantly asking for whereabouts
Only ask about her whereabouts if you're planning to meet up
Nagging constantly about what they should be doing
If nagging didn't work the first few times, it won't work again. Have you ever tried a different approach? You can start by complimenting the things you like that they did or are doing. If you get to the point where you want them to do something, let them know, but give them a long time to take initiative on their own.
Manipulative
Inaccurately framing situations as either positive or negative in order to control thoughts//feelings
Don't try to share your assessment of situations regarding your current or previous relationship. Your ex may be hypersensitive to hearing you talking in a way that pattern-matches for manipulation.
Redirects blame
Don't blame anyone except yourself (if you are to blame).

Making decisions for them

Figure out which times you've forced them to make a decision on something they weren't happy with. Next time the situation comes up, don't decide for the or give them plenty of options to choose from.

Sexual Incompatibility

Not having enough sex

Lost attraction
Send texts that are small reminders of sexually intense experiences together.
Prerequisite emotional needs not being fulfilled
Don't start being sexual until you fulfill their emotional needs.

Cannot fulfill partner's sexual needs

Discomfort performing certain sexual acts
Mention being interested in a similar sexual act that you'd be more comfortable doing.
Not being able to have sex with them as much as they'd like
Are there any other issues in the relationship that might be related? Solving those first will help test that.
Medical issues or medicine that affects their sexual performance
Normally not a deal-breaker unless there are other issues in the relationship. Do you think the relationship had other problems? We can try solving this first.

Not believing partner can make them sexually fulfilled

Partner struggling to fulfill needs
Unwilling to indulge certain fantasies
If you decided you're willing, then you can send a text asking about the fantasy in a way that makes it sound you're curious about it.
Physically unable to be as sexually active as preferred
Normally not a deal-breaker unless there are other issues in the relationship. Do you think the relationship had other problems? We can try solving this first.
Partner doesn't appear to be concerned about fulfilling sexual needs
You may not be communicating your needs clearly enough. Or you have, but he doesn't feel like there are consequences to his actions.
Fearing openly discussing sexual needs because partner is judgmental
During a text conversation, drop a hint that you're more open-minded now. For example, you could say "my coworker, cool guy, said he has a fetish for wearing women's high heels. I said he could use the extra few inches"

Breaking Trust

Infidelity

Cheating physically or emotionally

Lying

Having a pattern of making a lot of white lies
Your ex will need to see you be honest consistently throughout time. Otherwise she'll think you'll fall back to the same patterns. Send her a message occasionally 1 or 2 times a week about stuff you're going to do and make sure she notices you followed through.
Lying about something important
If you don't have a history of lying, you can apologize several days after the breakup. Make sure to explain why you like, like if it was out of fear or jealousy.

Breaking promises

Not doing what they verbally promised to do
Message ex saying you'll work on accomplishing a challenging task. Don't contact them again until you achieve it.

Incompatible Values

Different prioritization

Some values include: physical health, extended family involvement, cleanliness, traveling, religion, integrity, privacy
If you're willing to compromise and prioritize your ex's values more, than give her hints that you do. LIke if she cares about family involvement, you can message her a picture of you in a family gathering or with a cute niece/nephew.

Unsure about own values

Needs space to figure it out
You can follow: The Generic 7-step Guide for this one.

Different Points In Life

Start a discussion about agreeing to both compromise.

Unforgivable Incident

Saying something hurtful, alone or in a group

Give a sincere, non-emotional apology and don't contact for several weeks. Let their feelings about the incident dissipate and then go in for a reengagement message.

Breaking important promises

Not coming to an personally important and meaningful event for a bad reason
You may have a good reason, but didn't communicate it well. Try sending a message showing you understand their hurt and clarify your reasons better.
Infidelity
You can follow: The Generic 7-step Guide for this one.
Lying about one thing the partner cared a lot to know the truth about
Lying in this scenario is normally out of fear. Try communicating that to your ex in a way they'd find believable.

Found someone new

Someone who provides more value

Provides value in areas that were lacking in previous relationship
You changed in a way that made your ex not happy in the relationship anymore. Do you have any guesses as to what those changes might have been. Working on those and showing evidence you're changing will help your chances.
Losing to competition after their dating market value went up
Raise your own market values and start dating others. Focus on fitness, career development, and attractive communication skills, like teasing, witty banter, charismatic speaking.

Someone who provides less, but different values

Find an unattractive nice person because previous relationship involved no emotional support, autonomy, or attention
You changed in a way that made your ex not happy in the relationship anymore. Do you have any guesses as to what those changes might have been. Working on those and showing evidence you're changing will help your chances.

Unhealthy lifestyle

Addictions

Start getting sober and during a text conversation, mention you're celebrating X days of being sober.

Substance Abuse

Alcohol problem --- Out of control when binge drinks
Normally not a deal-breaker on its own. If you're still together and this is an issue, prove you can go to a social setting with alcohol and drink in moderation.
Wastes weekends smoking weed and not being productive
After doing No Contact, update your ex with some accomplishments you've made, like lose X amount of weight, They'll think you're not smoking weed as much or at all.

Communication Breakdown

To further understand why your breakup happened, consider how your communication broke down, which may have led to the breakup. You don't want to repeat the same mistake so knowing the communication is critical.

Here are some common ones communication breakdowns our you experienced:

False Love Test

Testing how much a partner loves them without the partner aware they're being tested.

Girlfriend accused her boyfriend of not caring enough about her or truly loving her when he wouldn't go after her after an argument or whenever she was upset. She felt unloved or as if he wasn't in love with her when he wasn't able to give her the emotional support she needed. Her limited belief made her feel unloved and not good enough which triggered her low self-worth issues, so she made him feel as if everything he did or said wasn't enough.

Misunderstood Stonewall

Distancing self because of struggle to express emotion, which gets misinterpreted as not caring

Girlfriend's boyfriend expressed he more internalized his emotions and found it difficult to express them properly and his girlfriend continuing to ask him to do something he's not able to do only created more anger and distance from him which sometimes turned into feelings of inadequacy… or resentment.

His feeling of inadequacy made him withdraw more which made him appear as if he didn't care about her, but he was taking the opposite action she needed because he was at a loss on knowing how to provide the emotional support she needed or held too much resentment to try

His frustration and guilt from not being able to give his partner what she needs and his struggle to communicate effectively any of his emotions would cause him to treat his girlfriend as if she was being too needy, selfish or "hard to please" and his dismissive behavior would allow him to embrace the space of avoidance in not taking responsibility for his actions or lack thereof

Trauma Carry-Over

Trust Issues from previous relationship affecting current one

Traumatic experiences in past relationships cause girlfriend to have trust issues in current relationship. Boyfriend feels resentment towards her because he feels unfairly distrusted. This causes her to receive even less of the reassurance/validation she needed from him, deepening the issue.

Traumatic experiences in past relationships cause boyfriend to have trust issues in current relationship. Boyfriend uses controlling behavior to manage his insecurity with trust. Girlfriend grows more distant as his controlling behavior prevents her from fulfilling her emotional needs and eventually leaves.

Vulnerability Stalemate

Partners are at a stalemate where neither wants to be the first to apologize or admit they're hurt for fear of being vulnerable.

you expresses anger towards their ex/partner because they have hidden assumptions about how they should've acted.

Insecurity As Anger

Feelings of insecurity manifest as anger.

Boyfriend is dating an older woman that he feels is more intelligent, confident or higher status than him. He gets frustrated whenever she makes him feel insecure about that and he reacts by losing his temper, cutting off the conversation, or aggressive sarcasm. This leaves both feeling hurt, frustrated and angry towards each other with resentment growing as they continue to not resolve anything.

Boyfriend owns his own business, a self-made man at a young age so status is very important to him and also in his culture. He often diminishes himself by being insecure about his lack of formal schooling and thinks he's not very intelligent. He is then easily triggered into anger whenever he has to allow himself to be vulnerable in either expressing his emotions and or thoughts properly.

Faux Breakup Reason

A vague or misleading breakup reason is given during the breakup.

you is given a misleading breakup reason because ex either didn't know or feel open enough to give the honest reason. Causes you to either fix things the wrong way or feel hopeless.

Misunderstood Distant by Stress

Distancing self because of stress induced by factors outside the relationship and the stressed behavior gets misinterpreted as not caring.

Girlfriend breaks up with boyfriend because he hasn't given her the attention she needs. Boyfriend hasn't given her the attention because he's been stressed by work, death of a loved one, or family pressure for an extended period of time. Boyfriend doesn't understand why girlfriend left him because the reason she gave was vague, like "I'm not in love with you anymore

Emotional Vampire Escape

Partner breaks up because they're overwhelmed with providing emotional support and left unfulfilled themselves.

Boyfriend breaks up with girlfriend because she depended on him too much for emotional support and he felt like his needs weren't being fulfilled back. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings so he rejects her with the idea they can still be friends.

I Can't Be Broken Up With, Because I Quit!

Preemptive breakup to avoid being rejected first.

Girlfriend is convinced her boyfriend is cheating and will leave her so she breaks up with him before she gets herself hurt. She isn't fully honest about why she's breaking up because she's still in the mode of protecting herself.

Supplements Required

Partner has some, but not all emotional needs fulfilled by partner.

you fulfills some of their ex/partner's emotional needs very well, but a few others poorly. They often receive mixed signals and try to fix the situation by doing more of what they're good at

Girlfriend leaves her boyfriend who's always been generous with her and kind, for an ex or another man who fulfills her need for status, achievement, and sex

Clouded By Toxicity

Lingering emotions of a toxic relationship prevents partner from having a broader perspective on relationship.

you attached to an unhealthy relationship because their perspective is mired by how the relationship makes them feel. Lifting their perspective can help them detach and move on.

They rationally understand the situation, but emotionally they are not able to process it, since there's an inner logic sustaining justification to stay in a place where they have claimed they are not happy with. Analyzing, accepting the valid parts of that logic while deconstructing the irrational areas can help you

Ambitious Pattern Repeater

you's takes action in getting what they want except they repeat the same patterns that sabotages their relationships in the past.

you is deeply insecure and filled with guilt, fear and regret from having an affair and ending a nine year long engagement though this is not the ex he wishes to win back; he wants to try and reconnect with the mistress.

He ruminates over his mistakes and is fixated on getting another chance to do things differently but each time he is given that chance he repeats the same destructive pattern as before which continues a repeated pattern of self-sabotaging behavior that continues to manifest his fears of abandonment and being alone.

Struggle with Intimacy

Newlywed couple not sure how to be intimate together.

They are both shy and timid when approaching any romantic time together. They each embrace avoidance by cancelling time together and or spending time with friends instead from not knowing how to proceed. He lacks finesse which diminishes her attraction to him

Sex = Love Fallacy

Attention and intimacy from sex is equated to feeling loved.

Girlfriend believes boyfriend or guy she's recently dating is disinterested because he's not as interested in sex. Doesn't consider other possible reasons for his disinterest. Insecurities and fears may be showing as neediness which further disconnects her partner

Friend-zone Phobia

you is overly worried about being in the friend-zone.

you is in a dating-like situation and while things may be working well, they have a lingering fear they might be trapped in the friend-zone at any point.

Abuse Unaware

you has shown signs of being or wanting an abusive relationship but isn't aware of it and would likely deny it if asked. By nature of abuse, the victim is often manipulated into thinking that conflict or issues are their fault, not the abusers.

Dating Blindly

you might have never dated in the past, is back to dating after years married or is looking into expanding their dating experiences to uncharted territories like a different gender, for instance.

High levels of toxic idealization of a particular person they are interested in or about "dating" or "being in love" in general. This further minimizes their self image. Self realization and humanization of their preferred partner. Not by enlisting their negative aspects, but by humanizing inserting their preferred partner in imaginary but realistic scenarios. "Do you think the person you like would feel embarrassed in a situation like this? Wouldn't anyone?"

Dating Confidently Wrong

you thinks they know what they want in a prospective partner and deep insecurities have them stick by their limited beliefs.

you has an extremely limited dating pool and they don't want to consider people outside their slimmed down demographics. It is okay for you to have preferences, the key lands in being stubbornly close down to a certain profile.

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Platonic, De-sexualized Love

you is unable to feel sexually attracted to partner even when they claim to be deeply in love. Not a result of tedious sexual life.

you has valued their self-worth by being sexual attractive, is scared of accepting themselves as being emotionally attractive because that would make them feel vulnerable, since it implies a different type of commitment and a deeper level of responsibility

Clinging to Ideal-Self

you is emotionally stuck in a past relationship that has no present, rational possibilities of reconnection (normally due to explicit, behavioral-coherent and reiterative rejection from ex). you struggles to move on because they don't like what this rejection supposedly means to the idea they have of themselves.

They are scared their ideal self is unattainable, and when this one becomes denied by events in their past relationships, they desperately want to "go back", "get a second chance", "do it all over again" in order to keep the possibility of their ideal self and breathing.

Totalitarian Love

you transform their relationships into disproportionately large outputs of emotional aliment and self-value's reassurance. you lacks a diversity of satisfying activities or connections that can make them feel good about themselves and fortify their ego.

Coaching Based On Breakup Reasons

Doctors don't prescribe their patients drugs before making a diagnosis. Without a proper diagnosis, the drug may be unhelpful or harmful. The same logic applies to coaching for getting an ex back. Breakups are symptoms of fundamental relationship issues. In order to help you get their ex back, your coaching must help them resolve these issues. And sine relationships fail for different reasons, your coaching to you will differ as well.

Formulating A Message Of Connection

The goal with the Message of Connection is to help spark connection in a healthy way. It helps you communicate/express yourself effectively and demonstrates a better understanding of your partner and yourself.

When connection is present in a relationship partners are attuned to how each other feel and think at each moment. By maintaining a connection:

Partners feel safe and understood --- they can trust one another to be treated the way they want to be treated.
Conflicts get resolved --- partners quickly realize why their partner behaved the way they did and they express themselves effectively and make appropriate compromises in order to restore the connection.

What is Disconnection?

When partners experience a disconnect, they feel less safe and trusting and feel more lonely and vulnerable. In unhealthy relationships, the pain and vulnerability experienced by a disconnect causes partners to:

Prevent themselves from being hurt more by detaching further
Stonewalling
Cold/distant
Come up with false explanations for their behavior to make them feel like they still understand each other, and therefore connected (not always a positive belief)
"He still cares about me, he's just very forgetful"
"She's not interested in what I have to say because she simply isn't smart enough"
"What I said wasn't hurtful, he's overly sensitive"
Push partner do something that would restore connection
"Why don't you just say you're sorry already?!"
Attack partner for making them feel hurt
The partner feeling the disconnect might feel hurt while the other isn't, and would try hurting them back, often because they are struggling to express their needs

The first step in creating an impactful message of connection is to effectively diagnose the core issue, the source of the disconnect in the relationship.

What has been misunderstood?
What has been misinterpreted?
What needs are not being met?

If you don't have enough information to diagnose and assess, switch back to gathering information.

Basic Formula

Greeting/Intro that gives context for what they are about to say:
I've been reflecting these past few days…
Since we last spoke, what you/I/we said has been on my mind…..
If the last interaction involved high emotions, showing ownership of how they weren't expressing themselves effectively
I went too far when I said….
I was harsh when I said…..
When I said……my emotions got the best of me and I wasn't thinking clearly.
Using examples from your assessment of the core issues of disconnect, highlight what they were feeling/needing/misunderstanding that contributed to the disconnect.
I felt so much shock, disappointment, and uncertainty seeing how my family treated you. I became too caught up in how hard this situation was for me, I lost myself in it and stopped showing up as the woman you knew and loved.
I know that traveling to Germany was not something you were fond of, and it occurred to me that perhaps this was because of what you spoke about before, that in your childhood, you traveled the globe and didn't want that lifestyle as an adult. If I had realized, during our time together, that extent of this within you, I would have chosen to travel to you each and every time.
If appropriate, sharing a concrete actionable step that will feel significant to the ex and is achievable by you.
Ending with a sentiment that leaves an opening for connection --- potentially hoping to connect again soon. If taking space is needed or has been requested by the ex, showing understanding in a way that allows ex to choose without pressure.
If you need this time, I understand and will respect your decision….
I hope we can meet and talk again soon, but if you decide not to, I will respect that decision.

Examples "Message of Connection"

Hey X, after you dropped me off Sunday I've been doing a lot of reflecting. I was harsh in how I asked you to find another place and I'm coming to realize I was not thinking clearly at the time and my emotions got the better of me. And then I saw you handle the situation the opposite way. I felt you had control over your emotions in a way I couldn't and already found another place to stay. I guess I'm trying to say I'm seeing you and how I thought of you differently. Maybe you know what you want and I've only given you reasons to doubt that or not be open with me. I hope we can meet and talk again soon but if you decide not to, I respect that decision.

[Ex's Name],

Your words have given me much to reflect over these past few days. You're right to be angry with how things went down, I too am upset with my parents and myself not only for what happened but for how I handled it. I should have been secure enough in our love to stand up for you, for us. You have never faltered in this and I hope to emulate you in this way. I'm taking the first steps to correct my mistake this weekend, having my parents down for a chat. When it comes to you, I won't listen to what they say and will physically remove myself from their presence if I need to for that to happen. I understand you needing to have space to process your emotions and I will respect that. Know that I will be holding you in my heart during this time and will be turning my focus to creating better boundaries with my family. I hope we can reconnect soon and get back to the amazing times we had together.

Yours Always,

[you]

Key Components

Connection requires and understanding of emotions --- an important part is acknowledging and validating emotions --- which usually negates the barrier to connection.
A compassionate tone to the message is important --- incorporating words and phrases that make the reader feel understood and cared about.
True statements that you likely wouldn't have been able to identify or wouldn't have told ex on their own.
Using "I" statements focusing on the way you feels
Avoiding assumptions regarding how the ex might be feeling or putting blame on the ex.
By describing why you feels how they do, they are validating the ex.
The message you'll be creating with your you is a draft which the two of you can edit/adapt afterwards to best reflect your you's word choice/language style.

Things to be mindful of

No contact is not always needed and should be reflective of the intensity of recent interactions. Respecting space can be a valuable way of implementing and demonstrating change, as well as providing both partners with time to process and come down from the negative feelings of the break up. Even if a 30 day no contact isn't applicable, it's important to hold space for at least 1--3 days before sending it out.

What To Do During No Contact

A No Contact period is almost always good coaching. There are some exceptions, and the length of the No Contact period depends on you's situation, but it's still one of the most common steps we advise you to take.

Module 1 mentions No Contact is a good time to self-improve, reflect, workout, etc. But it doesn't explain how you can spend that time more effectively by improving areas about themselves that lead to the breakup.

Advise you to practice strategic self-improvement, which refers to improving areas of your life that help resolve the issues that caused the breakup to happen. There are many ways to self-improve and the No Contact period is long enough to make real changes. What you tell your you to do during No Contact should include strategic self-improvement.

Imagine someone who's ex broke up with him because he was overprotective and controlling. You determine that he acted this way out of fear of being alone because she was his only friend. So telling him to hit the gym 5 days a week isn't the best self-improvement coaching. A better option would be to expand his social circle and possibly go on a few dates. Working on that will help build his emotional support system and make him less likely to ruin his next relationship with the same fear.

Does No Contact Work? Yes, If You're Strategic

You need to play strategically. NC helps you avoid mistakes. If you're reading this, you might've learned why the No Contact Rule should work --- but you're not fully convinced.

You might ask yourself:

They reached out to me first, shouldn't I respond back?
If I don't contact them sooner, won't they forget about me?
Won't they find someone else during the No Contact period?
I learned why I hurt them, can I just send an apology text now?
We work in the same office, wouldn't doing No Contact make things awkward?
We have kids together, how can I do No Contact, but still have to talk about our kids?

These are legitimate questions, some of which are answered in a separate lesson. But in the majority of cases, No Contact will only help. If you're forced to interact with your ex, minimize the length of your conversations as much as possible and don't talk about the relationship.

If you're still doubtful, you're making the assumption that you're capable of figuring out a better approach. You may be right, but the odds are against you.

Mistakes People Make Who Skip No Contact

Here are the biggest mistakes "No Contact deniers" have made when they break the rule too soon:

Overanalyzing something their ex said and jumping to (wrong) conclusions
Appearing insincere or "off" because they're trying to hold back the panic
Attempting to reduce uncertainty and make off-putting ultimatums
Asking about reuniting some day
Asking how they can prove they've changed
Asking about why the breakup happened
Accidentally or intentionally get into old arguments
Get overly-emotional when their ex doesn't respond the way they hope
Ex is late for a meet up or changes venues last minute
Ex starts talking about others they're dating
Ex reassures they're not getting back together

These mistakes are all caused by a mixture of anxiety, obsessive thoughts, and a poor understanding of why the breakup happened. The No Contact time period is your opportunity to self-improve, reflect on your past actions, and be more level-headed about the situation. With the boost in confidence and a better understanding of how you could improve, you're much more likely to avoid these mistakes.

Why You're Biased To Doubt

The main reason you doubt the No Contact Rule is because you think you're not at risk of making the mistakes listed above. You may have known your ex for years or even decades and feel like you, of all people, know how to engage with them properly. Or you think your situation is unique and a generic rule can't applied.

Here's why you're probably wrong.

One of the biggest mistakes people make when talking to their ex is blurting out whatever is on their mind, unfiltered by whatever raw emotion they feel at the time. This often leads to making the mistakes listed above, making the situation worse and leaving them feeling even more vulnerable. Unfortunately, this mistake is so hard to avoid, it's almost inevitable.

After a breakup, your old relationship with your ex dies. The old relationship had the level of trust necessary for allowing open and honest communication. Since the trust is broken (almost instantaneously) it's hard not to continue communicating in the same style that's been exercised and encouraged for months, years or even decades.

No Contact Helps Avoid Mistakes By Playing Strategically

You cannot revive the old relationship. It died after the breakup. You need to create a new one. And you cannot rely on the same open and honest communication style you've used in the past. Instead, Playing Strategically is your best option, i.e., using an indirect, ambiguous, yet ethical style of communication to strategically maximize one's self-interests.

You already play strategically in most your relationships, like with new acquaintances, potential employers, business partners or dates; it's not even an option, it's mandatory. In these relationships, there are information gaps that prevent both parties from engaging in open and honest communication. You'd be foolish to think otherwise. Neither side collected enough evidence about whether being completely honest is against their own best interests. In these types of relationships, you have to avoid being 100% honest all the time and play strategically instead.

Playing Strategically is not the ideal communication style to sustain a long-term, trusting relationship with another person. But it's a perfectly fine for starting one.

Beware: No Contact Rule May Kill Your Chances

NC is a tactic. It is hurtful if:
You cheated
You said/did something to greatly hurt your partner
You sabotaged the relationship / said hurtful things you didn't mean
You haven't given them as much attention as they want from you
You weren't emotionally supportive

There's a reason why basketball players only go for half-court shots when the buzzer is about to go off. It's a reasonable move for the situation --- a terrible one any time else.

Whether it's basketball or love… a tactic is only useful depending on the situation.

Tactic Vs. Strategy

A strategy is made up of tactics, but they're not followed blindly, they're organized in a way that help you decide which tactics to use and when to use them.

The No Contact "Rule" is more of a tactic, not a rule. It may work for many people trying to get their ex back, but it's not helpful for every situation. Just like in sports, there are many tactics that help teams succeed, not just one.

Unlike basketball, football or any other sport, there are no clear rules in love (no scoreboards either). Unfortunately, you must understand the situation you're in before knowing which tactic to apply. A good starting point in figuring out your situation with your ex, look at the reasons why the breakup happened.

When No Contact Is Harmful

Here are a few breakup reasons where No Contact is actively harmful:

You cheated on your partner
You said or did something to greatly hurt your partner
You sabotaged the relationship and said hurtful things you don't really mean
You haven't given them the level of attention they want from you
You weren't emotionally supportive

For example, if you prioritize your work over your ex and ended up spending very little time together. Then 30 days of No Contact would just add salt to the wound. Before you decide to start No Contact, think about what situation you're in. Think strategically.

Strategic No Contact

Hopefully you're questioning the term "The No Contact Rule" by now. It misleads people into thinking it should never be modified and that it always works, regardless of your situation. A better term to use is Strategic No Contact.

No Contact works great for some people, but useless for others and downright harmful for many. What you need is a strategy. One that's fluid and changes depending on your situation. One that lets you know how long your No Contact period should be: 2 days, 30 days, 150 days, or even 0 days (sometimes you're better off skipping No Contact completely).

How To Figure Out The Best Strategy

The conventional 30-day No Contact Rule does work in the majority of cases. But practicing Strategic No Contact is your safest bet. Formulating such a plan isn't easy so I highly recommend talking through your situation with a trusted friend or family member.

Formulating Reengagement Message

The Reengagement Message is your opportunity to show off your self-improvement.

Let's take a Reengagement Message example from the Generic 7-steps Section and see how we would change it if the breakup reason was 1) Unforgivable Incident, and 2) Alcohol binge problem. This is an example of a real you, and these were actually two of the breakup reasons. In this case, the two reasons are related --- you did the unforgivable incident while drunk after a night of binge drinking.

The example:

Now, considering the breakup reasons, we can improve the message:

I went to karaoke at [name of NON-Alcoholic bar or restaurant] the other night, some big hairy guy decided to sing "a whole new world", I almost sang along before I came to my senses. Anyway it also reminded me of you (in a good way). How was your weekend? Any good lip syncing?

The big difference here is that the karaoke place is not a bar, preferably some non-alcoholic venue, like a bowling alley. The more subtle hint is the part "before I came to my senses" which might further imply he wasn't drinking.

Adjusting Reengagement Message Based On Breakup Reason

For example, imagine your ex girlfriend broke up with him because he was emotionally unsupportive, argumentative, and pressured her to move the relationship forward quickly.

Hi [her name], I've been doing some reflecting in the past couple days and realize there are things about myself that I need to work on. Just wanted to let you know I respect your decision and hope the best for you

This message drops hints that he's changing on all 3 relationship issues that caused the breakup.

Emotionally Supportive, showing he respects her decision is another way of supporting the feelings that made her decide to break up.
Non Argumentative, by not explaining what he did wrong or why he's sending the message, he's avoiding a conversation that might be taken as an argument.
Less Pressure, not making any mention of seeing each other again further shows he respects her decision and isn't sending the message as a way to move the conversation forward again.

Now, let's say he had a couple more issue that need to be addressed, 1) Alcohol problem, 2) Saying something unforgivable

Here's how to modify the same message to address these issues as well:

Hi [her name], I've been doing some reflecting in the past couple days and realize there are things about myself that I need to work on. I think the drinking is a bigger issue than I imagined, I feel like I don't act myself, saying hurtful things to you was totally out of line and not the person I want to be. Just wanted to let you know I respect your decision and hope the best for you

Now we've addressed 5 issues in one text.

Alcohol Problem, by showing he's realizing on his own that he has an alcohol problem, it shows he may have internalized it. Although saying it's a problem alone isn't that convincing, but the words that follow help make it authentic. He's saying it makes him feel like he's not himself, which is something he might not know to say if he lied.
Saying Something Unforgivable, apologizing for something unforgivable is difficult to express authentically. But again, the following words make the apology more believable.

These 2 new issues were difficult to come off as believable. But part of what makes this example text believable is how the alcohol problem is tied to what he said that was unforgivable. It explains what he needs to work on, which can come off as Argumentative, but the focus is on him being the problem. Having the whole message congruent with everything it says makes it that much more believable.

For Those Who Are Unconvinced

How To Know If You're One Of Them

Those unconvinced do one or more of the following:

Break No Contact after you recommended it by initiating an open/honest conversation
Ask about how they feel about them/their relationship
Use words of endearment
Bring up old arguments
Meet their ex (as planned), but don't keep a distance
Bring up subjects that worry/concern them
Try having no-strings attached sex (unsuccessfully)
Get emotional if the meetup doesn't go their way
Ex is late, changes venue, isn't as talkative, etc
Telling you they don't want to "play games"
After you propose your plan
Insisting their ex "needs to know" something
You write a message for them to send and they want to include unnecessary information about how they feel about something
You tell them they shouldn't have said something, but they argue that they should have

Basically, you're probably unconvinced they should Play Strategically if they continue to communicate with their ex in an open/honest way or resist taking your coaching on changing.

What To Tell Them

Start by explaining to them why they cannot continue the open, honest, full-disclosure style of communication they had in the past. Here's an example of a coach telling you just that. This you was advised to reengage with a casual hangout, only talk about light-conversation topics and not bring up their relationship. She followed No Contact twice but didn't follow the reengagement coaching. The first time she brought up a personal issue, the other, she asked her ex whether he still finds her attractive.

She felt frustrated because she was trying to follow the coaching. Even though she was receptive to the coaching, she wasn't following it completely. Part of her wasn't convinced all her behavior should be played strategically.

Some you may just need to realize this in order to change their behavior. If they're stubborn or you still see signs of them not Playing Strategically, here are a few other things you can explain:

Why their old relationship is dead and a new one has to start
The old one didn't work before so it wouldn't work again
What trust is missing in order to continue having open/honest communication
Cannot predict whether they'll use the information you disclose to them in a way that hurts them
Cannot rely on them caring about your thoughts/feelings
The risks involved by continuing to communicate the way they are
They won't get proper feedback on what impression they're creating
Disclosing personal information/feelings can be used against them
They'll be disappointed if the same communication style isn't reciprocated
They might create the impression of neediness, which is unattractive
They will miss opportunities to do more effective moves
How Playing Strategically avoids risks and makes them better off
Besides avoiding risks, they're also implementing a strategy that's more effective
How/why not Playing Strategically in the past hurt them
Point out specific examples
Offer examples they're more likely to relate to for when they would Play Strategically

Strategic Is Key

All the coaching we give you is strategic to some extent. Every time we help you write a text, advise them on doing No Contact, tell them what to improve on, etc., we're providing strategic coaching. Often times the hard part is getting you to take your coaching and start Playing Strategically. It can get frustrating, but part of the job of a coach is to communicate your coaching as effectively as possible. With some you, this means taking the extra effort to explain the reasoning behind your coaching.

Moving On

For you who originally came for help getting their ex back, sometimes have it in their best interest to stop pursuing their ex and move on. As their coach, transitioning them to discussing the idea of moving on is a delicate process. The way you frame the discussion and the timing can mean the difference between them making the decision to move on and feeling like you're unhelpful and dismissive how they feel.

If they do decide to move on, then you have a chance to make a large impact on their life moving forward. You can help them be more attractive, self-compassionate, become more self-sufficient, understand people/relationships better, and overall make their lives more fulfilling.

When To Bring It Up

Some you who ask for help getting their ex back seem to have a hopeless situation right off the bat. It's important not to propose moving on in the first session. You likely haven't gotten to know them or their situation enough to decide moving on is probably their best option. However, if they at any point ask you for help moving on, then you can definitely help.

You can bring up the discussion about transitioning to moving on if you know you and their situation well enough, that you predict moving on is probably in their best interest.

Here are some signs to look for in deciding whether it's time:

They start losing interest in pursuing their ex
Example: They say "I don't know if I want to wait that long"
The first reengagement attempt got a negative response
The ex shut them down quickly
Ex responded by blocking them on all platforms and left it blocked for more than a couple days
Ex read reengagement message but hasn't responded for a week
Ex is in a relationship with another person
They're in a new serious relationship, not just dating
It's difficult for them to see a future without their ex
The chances seem to be low and it doesn't seem like they feel they can cope with it not working out.
Realize their ex may not be that great
Example: Making remarks about how their recent actions are making them less appealing.
They've been trying to pursue them for over 2--3 months in RH with not much progress
They are female
Females are slightly more open

How To Bring It Up

Say you've determined it's the right time to bring up the idea of moving on. Don't bring it up by saying they should move on and giving them various reasons why. No matter how compelling your reasons are, you will be affected by the sudden loss of hope they were clinging on. And in their emotional state, they may accuse your, other coaches, or RH of not helping with what they promised. they may feel somewhat

But there is a way to bring it up without devastating your you.

Plant "idea seeds" from the start
Part of a you's transition to moving on is working on their self-worth. From early sessions you can begin pointing out behaviors or traits your you has that make them attractive.
Tell them their options
Some options
Try reengaging again
Come up with a new plan
Work on yourself longer before reengaging
Continue No Contact longer
Date other people
Move on
Combination of moving on and pursuing
Longer No Contact, working on self, dating others, but still plan to reengage some time.
Tell them the risks involved in continuing to pursue
Risks involving hurting their chances with their ex
You may push them away further
You'll come off as needy
You will have a better chance if you continue on the path of building yourself back up
Losing your confidence built from No Contact if you get another rejection
Harboring anger and resentment is toxic only to them and not to their ex --- that it only hurts them (you)
Let them know that focusing on their other options help build their self-confidence, health, career, etc., and will improve their chances with their ex.
This is an especially good technique with you who are highly anxious about the idea of not being able to get back with their ex.
After describing all their options and their risk/reward estimates, ask them how they feel about doing each one or which one sounds most appealing

By Lior