It's not easy to start a conversation with an ex you haven't spoken to in a while. And going about it incorrectly may lead to a longer wait.

After you've successfully gone through the No Contact period, you can finally start working on reconnecting with your ex. The first step is to re-engage your ex with a message. It's meant to be sent (via text) to your ex and designed to initiate a conversation.

How To Approach It

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Going from spending almost every day with your ex and sharing the intimate details of what keeps you awake at night or gets you out of bed in the morning to the radio silence of a break up can be a tough adjustment. Now that it’s time to reach out again, it can be tempting to make some grandiose gesture or a bold statement of affection when approaching the re-engagement.

It’s very important to approach this casually, without being overly emotional or putting pressure on your ex. While you may have been looking forward to this day for some time, your ex doesn’t need to know that. This message should feel spontaneous, be short, and be easy to respond to. You don’t want to seem in a hurry to get back together or mention the relationship, you simply want to reopen the doors to communication in a laid back and friendly way and see how they respond.

Does it feel like this tactic is not how you would have approached the situation in the past with your ex? That’s a good thing, it’s designed this way because this is how an improved version of yourself would handle it.

Here are some tips to help get you out of your head and onto the path towards the re-engagement you’ve been hoping for:

What to say:

There are a few different methods you can use when reaching back out to your ex. Notice all still maintain a casual, friendly, and upbeat tone but, depending on the dynamic between you and your ex, one may feel more natural to you than others. Regardless of the method you pick, it’s best to end the text with a simple question about their life to encourage conversation.

Mention positive memory

This message should reference something you just experienced that reminded you of a positive memory you shared during the course of your relationship. It shouldn’t be too serious of a memory, and a humorous one is more likely to get a positive reaction. That said, if you’ve had a particularly messy or difficult break-up you may opt for a more sentimental memory.

For example:

I was driving past Joe’s Pub last night and thought of that night we had 1 (or 3) too many margaritas and you somehow convinced me to sing karaoke. Made me smile. How’ve you been? Is Love Shack still your karaoke go-to?

Ask for advice

Asking for advice can be a low-pressure way to re-engage your ex without any mention of the relationship. If there is a certain skill set or area of expertise that sticks out about them, you can reach out on behalf of yourself or a friend for their guidance. People typically feel honored when they are sought out for advice, and it’s an indirect way of getting them to open up to you.

For example:

I’m trying to get back into reading and looking for recommendations. You were the first person to pop into my mind, you always had the best taste. Been reading anything good lately?

Check in about life change/update

This method is a good one if you know your ex was preparing to be going through a significant change in their life. It could be a promotion, a new job, or moving houses or cities.

For example:

I know you started with the new job last week. I have no doubt in my mind you’re absolutely killing it, but wanted to check-in. How is it?

When to send it

Send the message at a time you can safely assume your ex won’t be doing anything. During the week, after dinner and before going to sleep is usually your best bet. They won’t be distracted by the responsibilities and hectic nature of the workday, it’s normally not a time people make plans and it’s not too late that you will risk them thinking you’ve been out and/or drinking.

Using Re-engagement to Highlight Improvements:

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The Re-engagement Message is your opportunity to show off your self-improvement.

Let’s take a Re-engagement Message example from the above examples and see how we would change it if the breakup reason was 1) Unforgivable Incident, and 2) Alcohol binge problem. In this case, the two reasons are related - you did the unforgivable incident while drunk after a night of binge drinking.

The example:

I was driving past Joe’s Pub last night and thought of that night we had 1 (or 3) too many margaritas and you somehow convinced me to sing karaoke. Made me smile. How’ve you been? Is Love Shack still your karaoke go-to?

Now, considering the breakup reasons, we can improve the message:

I went to karaoke at [name of NON-Alcoholic bar or restaurant] the other night, some big hairy guy decided to sing "Love Shack", I almost sang along before I came to my senses. Anyway, it also reminded me of you (in a good way). How was your weekend? Any good lip-syncing?

The big difference here is that the karaoke place is not a bar, preferably some non-alcoholic venue, like a bowling alley. The more subtle hint is the part “before I came to my senses” which might further imply he wasn’t drinking.

Reigniting Conversation

After sending the Re-engagement message, focus on maintaining the same casual tone, and continuing to elicit positive memories and reactions. The ultimate goal of the conversation is to reignite that spark and move towards meeting up in person, but be careful not to rush things or get too excited too quickly. Imagine you're trying to arrange a first date. Be patient and accept the fact that this is a journey, and be proud of yourself for taking a step in the right direction.

The difficulty of this step highly depends on your ex’s response to the Re-engagement Message. If their response is very positive, you may have an easy time carrying on the conversation (as you have many times during their relationship). If the response is negative, delayed, or contains mixed signals, the next message should calibrate accordingly.

Example:

The screenshot below starts with a Re-engagement Message, which gets a response. The next message continues the conversations with the same positive vibe. It also contains a tease in order to reignite the passion:

Scheduling A Meetup

After successfully rekindling the spark in the Reigniting Conversation, it’s time to send a message intended to schedule a time to meet up.

There’s a spectrum of how direct this message can be. An example of an indirect message is “Some friends and I are going to shoot pool at the local pub. Shoot me a text if you’re in the area”. In this example, a meeting wasn’t even brought up, it was just implied. An example of a direct message would be, “Let’s me at the local pub and shoot some pool at 7:00 PM Monday”. There’s no room for ambiguity here.

The challenge in writing the Scheduling Meetup Message is in figuring out the right level of directness. The simplest approach would be to match the level of directness your ex is communicating with. The examples below will explain how to figure it out in more detail.

Example

This screenshot starts with a Scheduling Meetup Message that received mixed signals:

It’s not over when the Scheduling Meetup Message doesn’t succeed in scheduling a meeting. The best way to recover is to not make a big deal out of it and move on to a new conversational thread.

If the response is very negative, like just a “No” or no response at all. you might have to backtrack to the no contact period.

NEXT STEPS

Although it is true that every relationship, and therefore breakup, is unique and laced with nuances, when you strip those details away to unearth the bare bones of conflict and human interaction, you can uncover patterns in the types of relationship problems that drive couples apart.

The behavioral patterns can be difficult to discover. But they’re critical in keeping your Ex after you reconnect.

Link to Full Guide - How To Get Your Ex Back

We’ve helped over 25,000 clients discover, acknowledge, and take control of these destructive patterns. If you want to ensure your success, I highly recommend talking to one of our professional relationship coaches.

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