I have no closure at all, after four years. Not sure what to do


Ex and I were together for four years and lived together. Both 33 & 34. We had a good relationship a lot in common, background and morals. The only issue was his family who really hurt me and upset me in 2014. I've tried to resolve it since many a time but they seem to be ok then go funny again. At Easter this year i said a stupid one line comment and told him it was over. But my head was a mess with grief as I lost my nana suddenly in August last year and then my friend to suicide in Feb this year but funeral was the same week my ex and I split. My head was so confused. April / May he was horrible to me really horrible and even pulled the tenancy on me while I was away at work. So I had to travel 5 hours home to sort that out. He also entered the house as he still had a key and questioned me whose bags were in the kitchen and stuff. He was cold and distance but didn't tell me what the reason behind being nasty was. He's also started a new career and failed some exams he blamed them on the break up. June he fails more but he's completely breaks down to me saying he missed me, us and everything to wanted to sit down and talk about it all as he said we'd been through too much to drift apart and would always be there for me and talking was a good idea. He admitted he needed to see a councillor and also suggested we did together. However one weekend and a chat with his mum he seemed to change said let's be friends I need to concertante on work. I was so confused. His mate said he was also very upset and that she'd never seen him so happy as he was with me but also told him to concerntrate on work. July comes and he shows up at the house unannoued and I still couldn't work out what was up with him. But he said he needed to get to know and trust me again and wanted to see me in two weeks, but something didn't seem right to me. I was highly emotional too as it was the day before my birthday first year with a lot of people missing and I'd also had some bad news from the doctor. Weekend afterward so weekend between wanting to see me again, his group pass out but he was left behind because he failed so much. His parents went down to see him. Then a workmate saw he'd just joined a dating website that weekend looking for a relationship when he told me the week before work was most important right now and see what would happen with us in September. He's laughed at me and stuff and told me he wanted to see if he was enough for someone , general chats to pass time and so on. Then he was like these decisions take time etc. I had to move out of the house we rented together and he didn't help at all. Me and family did it all. Even down to his stuff I said pick it up and he said no. So I said I'll put it on your parents driveway and he said fine. Then his friend tells me it upset him! Like I'm the bad guy! We only had contact via email and emails went back and forth. Then he said he may speak to me after trianing but not before but he hasn't met anyone. Then some girl messaged me on fb he'd clearly been clearly been speaking to who twigged what he said about our relationship didn't add up. He told he he was glad he was out of it and he was blind. But she must have seen happy photos of us on his fb page and messaged me telling me all about his flirting with her and other girls she knew and sending his number out and meeting then in random places,.....yet he couldn't meet me after four years. His friend let it out that it was all over the family stuff. Said he didn't like the way he was to me over it all. He was trying to keep us all happy. Kept asking me questions and so on. I confronted him on email and he still denied it and just picked holes out of me instead saying he didn't like photos of me and my workmates (I'm a sailor) in fb yet he's never mentioned thatbin four years. Said I always put my fiends issues before ours and so on. Just totally denied the family stuff. Then he passed his exams and said he did that by standing back to achieve what he wanted and he's done it and thankyou for helping him because the one but if doubt I had spured him on 😢 this crushed me because I found and helped him into his dream career. Since I've caught him out he's barley emailed me won't meet even with his stuff nor to sort old bills out. I have no closure at all, after four years with someone who we've been brought thick and thin. I've seen him briefly twice since the split but didn't talk about everything at all. I'm so upset, he's made false accusations against me too which hurts so much it's just blame blame blame. He said he misses stuff when it was good it was great but doesn't miss the agro. The only agro was his family stuff and that wasn't just for me to sort out 😞 I've had panic attacks, been sick, still not sleeping or eating properly. He's usually very emotional and sensitive but he's like a brick wall atm 😢 It's almost like he's cut me off totally 😢
It always hurts when a partner begins to see you as part of the problem, instead of viewing your love and support as part of the solution. It sounds like he's changed a lot in the last few months, into someone you barely know. Maybe he doesn't fully know who he is anymore, it's hard to say when. Family and career pressure are often factors in a relationship, but turning you into an outsider and an enemy is an unfortunate way to end a long-term relationship. It definitely sounds like he has moved on, as he's already playing the online dating game. His inability to take responsibility for his possessions (in the housing move) shows that he's not interested in holding up his end of the bargain. You seem to recognize that the relationship is over, but with so much invested, closure is super important. Try reaching out to him and request a meeting, or at the very least, a phone call. Tell him you won't take up much of his time, but that you want to touch base with him. Try not to get emotional or angry during the discussion. Remember, this is a fact-finding mission where you can get the closure you're looking for. A conversation seeking clarity is often different than a conversation seeking another shot at the relationship. Hopefully it will relieve you of some of the anxiety and grief you are experiencing.
I feel liken the online dating thing was because he wasn't in training in a class full of lad younger than him and I'd hurt him. He seemed to changed and see me as an issue and kept going on about his dream career. He said a total one point it was a break while he concerntrate said on work 😞 I asked his friend about dating and she said he started not dating wrong people do crazy stuff when they are hurt as you did in your grief. It's just odd because even throughout the online dating thing he still had photos of us on his fb according friends of ours, he out a status saying never expect too much, which he then told me was about relationships, he was sendinf his emails on 1,2,3 format and my friend said he posted that new 1,2,3 break up somf and everything. It's like he's left markers for each move too, so when we broke up changed his fb picture, although we were on WhatsApp contact then and every time I changed my pic so did he. He didn't hear from me then turned up. But friends said when we broke up he changed his pic, when his group passed out and he didn't he changed it again, when he passed his exams and moved out training changed it again and so on. He's not online dating anymore and tells me he's not met anyone or moved on with anyone justness moving on with his life as in career and location. How true that is I don't know. We've not even talked about what happened or anything. This is from a guy who is usually very sentive, very emotional and is always fair and doesn't believe in shutting people out. His friend said it was all over the family stuff but he still denies it. I've even written them a letter explaining things and my apologises to. He said he may meet up with me after training but didn't didnr trust me, but he's not. He just ignores most of my emails I've even said about his a stuff and attached bills being amicable and civil with them but I think he just hopes it will go away. Thing is he was the one who said he didn't want to drift apart not me. It's like he's trying to force himself to move on
Without hearing it from him, it's difficult to know why someone behaves the way they do on social media (changing profile pics and keeping old relationship photos posted). Though he is sending you clear signs about his level of interest in your relationship and its loose ends. We can discuss more in an advise session ways to communicate with someone who is clearly focused on other things so that ultimately you can get closure.
Yes please how can I book more advice sessions I need all the help I can get as this has made me really ill
You can start instantly :) Just go to Home and enter your private chatroom.