Here is my story ....I recently broke up with my girlfriend of a year 3 months ago. I am 32 she is 44. We are work colleagues who have known each other for 5 years as friends... i guess where to start is I felt her getting distant the last few months of the relationship and we started having stupid fights over things i considered pointless.
The last fight was over me txting a female friend, i had no interest in this friend romantically she is just a platonic friend. Even though i know she used that as an excuse to break up with me . I know this is just a opurtunity for her, so it doesn't make her feel bad for what she did... after makingup for the last time we was lying in bed and i asked her why she has been emotionally distant to me lately and we do not communicate like we once did. She then hit me with it... she has feelings for another guy we work with.. she put on the waterworks and i was crushed and devastated but wasn't angry and tried to be cool but i was shocked. I am not a jelouse guy at all . She always couldn't believe that i don't ... anyway so after she told me that, i was stupid and should of instantly walked away .. but i didn't !! i thought i could fix the sittuation by being the best guy and make the other guy look like he is nothing compared to me. After all ! i loved her ! so needed to atleast try. so i took her to work that evening and after our shift on the way home she came out with it .
Saying she thinks she wants to be single for a while... i was dumbfounded and i didn't know what to do .. she invited me into her place and i agreed thinking maybe i can change her decision about us. But we both ended up staying together (no sex) just sleeping together as her grandchildren was coming around and they wanted to see me . they love me apparently :) . So things got weird after that .. she was dead set on being single so i later told her i don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and left. The next month was really hard for me as i work with her and obviously still loved her. I did many things wrong as this is my first heartbreak . Initially i tried to convince her and dissected how i could be a better boyfriend etc and tried to communicate that back to her, i obviously reached out way too much. We was still talking friendly over txt and in work for 2 months i actually wanted to stay friends after thinking i'm ok with the break up. But she started not really being very friendly towards me at the end, especially my last 2 shifts. we had a big fight as she was ignoring me and i asked her a simple question as to why .
i did get angry 1 time as i found out after talking to the guy she emotionally cheated on me with, that she got a little obsessive with him a few weeks after we broke up, so much so he blocked her on social media.. obviously this guy isn't interested and i knew from the start this but i think my ex is a little crazy for thinking differently tbh. Initially i confronted her to the reasons why we broke up she always said it was because i txt my female friend.but i am completely committed and honest guy and would never even contemplate this distrustful behaviour. Just a side note (she only has male friends and alot of them. and she met up with her ex behind my back many times i found out while with her). She let it slip .
She said nothing went on just talking about our relationship etc and i always let her be free to txt who she would like to..aslong as she is honest with me. ..ok so i said to her no !it's because you want to pursue the guy you like but she flat out rejected that. Even tho i know better .. anyway i couldn't move on while still seeing her in work flirting with the guy she effectively dumped me for even tho he isn't interested in her just as a friend. So i put in a request to move shifts .like i said my last 2 shifts she completely ignored me and intentionally did not make eye contact with me, it was so obvious as she would turn her head . So anyway she blocked me on everything facebook watsapp etc .
I wasn't even txting her so not sure why she did that, but i did move shifts and had no contact for 30 days, been moving on and letting all this go as i couldn't understand what happened . I was a great bf and cared about her and her family i financially supported her, gave her way too many gifts . I won 50k in june. i bought her loads of things from new carpets to a new oven . I fitted a new floor etc . What i am trying to say is that i was a great bf and think she took me for granted in the end .anyway i digress .. so i recieved a message yesterday from her at 21:45. She said she needs to talk to me can she ring me.. after thinking i said ok . The phone call went ok, she said someone told her they seen me out on a date with someone . And she was pestering me to tell her if i'm with someone and if i have had sex yet. I acted aloof and didn't want to give her any information but i was polite i tried to end conversation best i could and i made her laugh a few times which obviously was good . So guess my question is why would she ring me now ? I have started talking to a few women one off tinder.
Been out a town a few times with some others but nothing serious yet and i was moving on and forgetting about her. But now she comes back and makes me think about her and why would she even care if i'm dating again? I don't want to think to much into it . Maybe she curious, jelouse or happy for me. Just obviously i still have feelings for her and the work mate who told her that i was seeing someone did it to see if she would react to that information and he said she was concerned obviously hinting that she still cares a little, just after we broke up she did say she still loves and cares for me but i was too available then as i was heartbroken so i pushed her away i'm guessing.. so anyone ones thought on this would be much appreciated, i guess most responses will say move on . But i just want to try and understand her view and her actions .. many thanks
To start, I have a feeling that you were correct in thinking that her reasoning for the breakup wasn't exactly honest. Breakups aren't usually easy for anyone involved, including the person who has chosen to end the relationship. I believe that she didn't want to make it any harder by telling the truth; that she was interested in someone else. However, since that relationship didn't pan out how she expected, it's likely that she's having second thoughts about her decision. For the time being, I would recommend remaining friendly, yet still a bit distant. I feel that this will probably draw her in further. With that, said, however, the process of reconnecting with her should be a gradual one, as you don't want to give the impression that you'll just jump at the opportunity to get back together.
Thankyou for you're reply . So you think there is something in the contact she made with me ? I didn't want to assume anything. So you think best course of action should be to not initiate contact unless she initiates . Be less available . Wait before responding and acting a little distant in the replys ?
Yes, take time to focus on yourself right now. Let her reach out to you.
I had no intention in reaching out. But wondered how i respond when she does. I am a friendly person so sometimes hard for me to act distant .. how do i act ? If i show little interest, won't she lose interest ? And if i am too available and friendly that would end in the same result ? And how do i proceed when she asks about if i'm dating or slept with anyone ? She was very persistent when she called me asking about that for 20 minutes. But i didn't feel comfortable and thought a little mystery was good so i didn't tell her. But i know if and when she contacts again this will be top of her questions . If i am not with anyone won't that make her feel relieved and lose interest ? .
There's a lot of different ways that you can respond with and it all depends on what she says, so its hard to give a definite answer of how you should respond. You're right that you don't want to seem like you show no interest but you also don't want to seem overly excited. I recommend talking to one of our coaches to get a more personalized plan so that you can talk about actual situations.
Thanks for the replies. Update on the sittuation. After she rang me last week and we had a friendly conversation as i said previously. she didn't block me afterwards so we carried on with no contact between us two . After 8 days i was weak and curious and seen her online in messenger. i was stupid and sent her a message ("hi how's you i'm a little bored in work,just hoping all is well with you ?") . She responded fast, She was polite.she said ("oh i'm sorry you are bored and yeah all is well") I replied back by telling a joke and saying ok i got to go just wanted to say hi.. she replied back to my joke and with a gif as it was a inside joke that she got.. anyway i left it like that. 6 hours later after getting home from work decided i wanted to ask her something now that we are kinda speaking again, so just about to type as i had her messenger thread open, but Decided to have shower before i did, after i had shower i went to txt and i noticed i was unable to as she had blocked me again !!!..so from when i left to have shower and came back she had blocked me in that time. So it's confusing me... i know i shouldn't of initiated anything but it was a harmless hi and she was friendly with it.. so i'm thinking maybe it was the time after, the 6 hours seeing i was active and not texting her and i came across happy and calm from my message.. maybe it hurt her after me reminding her of me then i went quiet, possibly made her think i was talking to another women ?. Which i think she might think i have even though i told her nothing on the phone call.. so i'm not entirely sure what to do now . I have kind of moved on, my life completely different now, i've healed, totally changed my lifestyle, getting in the best shape of my life but i still care for her. So it did make me a little angry again that she blocked me AGAIN . Find it a little immature. As if she doesn't want anything to do with me, why not just tell me ? Remember she unblocked and called me last week being really friendly and all saying she doesn't hate me. Just confused if she still cares or doesn't. I want to block her but i can't bring myself to do it.. do you think this is mind games she is playing or she just confused about stuff ? .. many thanks
She's probably still having a hard time processing her emotions and what she wants as well. It's clear she's still attached to you and you make her feel some way, however she could be trying to protect herself emotionally as well right now. If you want to go over this in more detail, please feel free to reach out to one of us coaches to start a session. (:
Thankyou all for your time and advice .. it was helpful but i'm still confused about things and not sure what i should do. Update on what happened.. she personally posted me a card a few days ago with money in it and a letter basicly saying thankyou to me for something i bought her when we was together and saying something about how it was fun with our relationship ...i didn't want anything back off her so i went around her's and posted everything back and didn't add any conversation in it.. as i was half way down the street after she came out and shouted my name, i turned and said i just wanted to post that now i got to go. She asked that i should come in and after me saying no a few times i reluctantly agreed. She seemed different with me, really happy to see me and i was calm and happy.so after going in she insisted go in her bedroom just to see the icecream i like and i got her to like. that she was eating then. So a throw back to us eating that icecream in bed and i thought that was amusing at the time anyway i said i can't stay long and she insisted i stay for a tea... so after we went in her kitchen i sat down and she made me a tea and we had a really happy friendly and flirty conversation and she seemed a little agitated like how she was when we first got together. Anyway we talked for 15 minutes and she managed to own up about everything i suspected . She did get with that other guy and they have slept together. I asked if they was in a relationship with eachother and she said she is but she's not and will never be. I suspect he just using her for sex and maybe she wants more idk. She said that he can get really mean with her sometimes and he got anger issues.. i'm completly different in that regard .. she also said why she blocked me because aparently he told her to and she was saying sorry thats why she cant txt. Soo She really wanted to show me conversations we had from 2015 as we use to have some really funny conversations and i guess she liked me for a long time and use to document our dealings with one another .. but anyway i tried to leave fast after that . So on the way out we hugged one last time and wished her fairwell. We had 3 hugs total when i was there, the last time we hugged it was christmas time as i brought the girls some gifts and that time that hug was really awkward but these times we embraced longer and and it felt different . So she kept asking me to stay a little longer so we could talk more but i said i really have to go, she said am i sure i don't want money i said no and she said sorry i have to keep u blocked and i said its fine and left . Went home and after about 30 minutes i received another card through the door with a cheque with more money this time and another letter apologising for have to block and our relationship was fun while we was in it. So i left it there i tore the cheque up .. the next day i wondered if maybe i was still blocked and i checked and yep i was right she unblocked again . Its been 2 days since with no contact and maybe she will block again after the 48 hour winddow after u unblock someone u can't re block . So maybe she was curious.. and unblocked to look at my profile with no intention of leaving me unblocked.. anyway sorry for the long winded messages and the state of my messages i'm not good at this stuff.. thanks