As we've mentioned before, the first step to reconnecting with an ex is understanding why the breakup happened.
Breakups will crack your heart open and can make you feel like a failure, but using the light that shines through those cracks as an opportunity for reflection will illuminate what went wrong, preventing you from making the same mistakes twice or even giving you the opportunity to fix the ones you have made.
Working at Relationship Hero means helping our clients navigate through dozens of different relationship problems every single day, ranging from small stubborn-fueled disagreements to heart-crushing blow-ups. While the triggers and content of every fight differ, at the crux of the issue is always a misunderstanding or miscommunication stemming from a disconnect in some aspect of their lives, and we are continuously discovering patterns in types of relationship issues that drive couples apart.
When big life changes happen, such as a new job, a big move or graduation, it can feel like the rug gets ripped out from under our feet, the chair is tipping back and the earth’s plates are playing musical chairs below us. When falling, the immediate reaction is to reach out and latch onto the most seemingly stable thing near us, which, in these cases, tends to be a relationship. Although the relationship may be solid, it can be too new for the other person to be able to fully commit, and can push them away.
A tinge of jealousy when someone sees the pretty brunette approach their partner across the bar can be unavoidable, but jealousy can be persistent and has a way of snaking its way through the cracks of insecurity and warping reality. When it fully rears its ugly head and begins hissing that it is strange or unacceptable if their partner goes to drinks with their co-workers after work, spends significant time doing other hobbies or has friends of the opposite sex, it will trigger self-doubt, as well as relationship doubt, and build up resentment on both sides. Ironically, the motivation for the controlling behavior directly leads to the breakup.
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Some people struggle to express emotions properly and they tend to cope by stonewalling. This can be misinterpreted by their partner as not caring, but the partner may need some alone time to process their emotions before expressing them. If their partner continues to pressure them to open up for validation, they will become frustrated and pressured that they are being asked to do something they are unable to do and pull away even further.
One partner attempts to control what their partner wears, does or who they hang out with, to the point their partner begins to feel suffocated in the relationship. This kind of behavior erases trust, breeds toxicity and makes the other person feel as though their partner doesn’t believe they are capable of, or deserve to be, making their own choices.
If someone transforms their relationship into a disproportionately large or singular source of emotional aliment and validation of self-worth, the scales tip drastically into a slippery slope. Not only does their value become completely dependent on the relationship, it puts their partner into an unfair and unwarranted pedestal of being the sole happiness provider. Even the kindest partners will get drained by all the attention demanded from them.
Your life blueprint is your expectation of what where you should be, what you should be doing, and what you should’ve accomplished at different points in life. While it is completely normal (and likely) that both partners won’t have the exact same blueprints, there are certain differences that create a big disconnect in the relationship. Say one partner wanted a baby by 28, the other one couldn’t imagine being married before 35. No matter how perfect a relationship may be, it is unavoidable that people can be strongly tied to the timeline of their future, and if two people’s timelines don’t come close to lining up, it puts a great deal of stress on the relationship.
This occurs when a partner has experienced traumatic events in previous relationships (such as being cheated on), and carries those trust issues into the next relationship. This can manifest into clingy behavior and cause their partner to feel unfairly distrusted and become resentful.
There are 5 different love languages, which dictate how one gives and receives love. They are: Acts of Service, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. Though it is completely normal for couples to have different languages, it is important to understand the differences in order to insure both parties feel understood and loved. If someone’s language was physical touch and their partner’s was receiving gifts, their partner wouldn’t feel loved if they only showed love and appreciation through kissing and cuddling.
One person in the relationship feels as though the effort they put in goes unnoticed or is under-valued. While their partner may actually notice it, they are lacking the acknowledgment and appreciation or reciprocation to feel seen. This creates the idea that their efforts may be more appreciated elsewhere, or that they are inadequately performing in the current relationship, which may cause insecurity and drainage. Often times the under appreciated partner demands the other to show appreciation, like “Why don’t you buy me surprise gifts?” or “You never take me on any adventures anymore”. This strategy usually backfires.
If one partner has a fear of the other leaving, could be due to trust issues from past relationships, abandonment issues or insecurities are present in the relationship, they may prematurely self-sabotage the relationship as a defense mechanism to avoid being left behind. In cases like this, they will give vague reasons for the breakup because they have their guard up too high to allow for vulnerability to slip out.
A stalemate that occurs when both partners avoid being the first to apologize or admit that their feelings are hurt for fear of being vulnerable or looking weak. These disconnects stem from one partner having hidden assumptions about how the other should act, but a passive way of expressing their wants. This issue is perpetuated by the false belief a partner should be a mind reader instead of holding accountability about expressing needs and/or setting boundaries.
A lack of emotional support can manifest in the relationship in a variety of ways. Some common examples are one partner diminishing the other’s feelings by talking over them and not validating them, not being supportive of partner’s decision making and personal successes and not consistently being there to offer comfort and reassurance on the harder days. If emotional support is not present within the relationship, the basic human need for it will cause the deprived partner to search elsewhere. Normally this happens when the couple has deep unresolved issues that don’t get addressed.
One partner experiences significant stress in their life, such as loss of job, injury or family troubles. The stress in their life can cause them to be emotionally avoidant and distant in the relationship, which can be misinterpreted by their partner as not caring about them and/or the relationship.
This can stem from a shift in attention towards a new job, hobby or even friend group. While a relationship should be sturdy and secure, if it begins to be treated like an inevitable constant in ones life without giving it the attention and care it deserves, one day that constant can, and will, disappear. It can seem unromantic to have to schedule date nights to spend together, but it’s sexy to prioritize someone and rekindles intimacy.
It can be difficult to uncover these patterns on your own, so chat with one of our professional coaches if you would like help understanding your situation and formulating a personalized strategy for reconnection.
Or, check out our Ebook: Reconnect With Your Ex