Getting your ex back is hard. But it's even harder without a plan.
If you don't know what you’re doing, you should follow a step-by-step plan that’s been field-tested and proven to work.
Relationship Hero has helped hundreds of people get their ex back by following such a plan… Now we are sharing that plan - for FREE (with examples).
There are many articles, books, and videos on how to get your ex back. The core of what they teach can be distilled to a 7-step guide, from the point the breakup occurs, to the point you meet your ex again in-person.
Don’t move on to the next steps once you’ve completed this one. Whatever caused the breakup to happen will determine how you implement the other steps.
For instance, Step 3 recommends a No Contact period for about 30 days, but if your ex dumped you because you never paid attention to them, 30 days is far too long.
By understanding why the breakup happened, you also become more aware of your own faults. Maybe you really are gaining more weight and have turned into a workaholic. Fortunately, most of these are fixable so it’s important to be aware of them in the first place.
Send this message to your ex after about 2 - 5 days after the breakup happened, either in a text message, a hand-written letter, or email. Once this message is sent, Step 3: No Contact Period begins.
This message is designed to show, not only tell, your ex that you have:
Don't be overly emotional, apologetic, or demanding. Do show you're more self-aware about the whole situation and plan on handling it in a mature manner. Adding some humor often helps as well.
Here are some examples of Respecting Space Messages we’ve helped clients send to their ex’s:
This person didn’t get a response from their ex for several days following a big fight they had:
[his first name], I've been reflecting on all that's happened and trying to figure out how I let myself act the way I did. I've recently had some personal issues and new insecurities I have had trouble dealing, and I'm afraid I let them hijack my sensibility in the moment. I'm ashamed and embarrassed for my behavior and totally understand why they didn't make sense for you at the time. I've been working a lot on myself over the weeks and determined to overcome them. Hope we get back to the laughter.
Another client whose ex wouldn’t respond to him for a long time:
Hey [her first name], I respect your decision to not respond to me, however I'm left confused and would appreciate if you could share more. I don’t know how you feel about me and I understand if you don't want to tell me, but I would deeply appreciate it if you would. Hard to forget about our 6 hour phone call marathon ;) Anyway, I hope you're doing well and wish you the best.
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During the No Contact Period, you should avoid initiating any sort of contact with your ex. No calling, texting, Snapchatting, Facebooking, Instagramming, etc. You may be tempted to text or call in the middle of the night when you’re feeling alone and vulnerable. Or if you have a bad habit of drunk texting and you had a few too many drink. Whatever the case, you must restrain, there's a lot to gain from successfully completing the No Contact period.
Doing No Contact provides you time for:
And provides your ex time for:
The standard time period for how long the No Contact Period should be is 30 days. But This will highly vary depending on your situation. And the duration can always change as new events unfold. For example, the No Contact Period should be broken if your ex initiates first in a positive way.
Sometimes you’ll need to find healthy ways of distracting yourself from thinking about your ex throughout the no-contact period. Here are some suggestions:
At this point, you've got a lot more spare time than you're used to. You may be tempted to spend this time in unproductive or unhealthy ways. Focus on self-improvement instead. Not only will you be overall happier, you’ll drastically improve your chances of getting back your ex. You’ll come out a better, healthier, happier person and romantic partner.
A few examples of what you could focus on:
This message is sent as a text to your ex after completing the No Contact Period. It’s designed to initiate a conversation that will ultimately lead to the first meet-up.
Your message should be about 2-3 sentences, spontaneous, casual, and easy to respond to. Injecting some humor always helps too. It should start by bringing up something you just experienced that reminded you of a positive memory you both share and end with a question that's easy and fun to answer.
Doing this step is probably the most difficult step to do correctly. You’ll have to write the message in a way that’s funny, spontaneous, sentimental, culturally relevant and authentic.
Here are several elements that make up a good Reengagement Message:
Easy to respond
Open-ended questions, but ask about something specific in their life
About 300 characters (2-3 sentences)
Casual in tone
Here are some examples of Reengagement Messages we’ve helped clients send to their ex’s (some details were changed to preserve their anonymity):
Client and her ex bonded over Disney songs and Neil Diamond, here's what we suggested:
I'm babysitting my niece right now and she just has to rewatch Aladdin shows the whole time. Reminded me of you.. where's Neil Diamond when you need him heh. Is your [whatever day of week] also this fun?
Client used to ride on the back of ex’s motorcycle
Hey [his first name] :) I just drove by [the road they would often have motorcycle rides on] and it made me think of you. Wasn’t nearly as adventurous in a car though lol. How are you doing? Ever finish the [motorcycle he’s working on]
This step involves having the conversation which the Reengagement Message started. The goal of this conversation is to reignite the old spark you and you ex’s relationship had. Like the Reengagement Message, it should have the same casual tone and elicit positive emotions. If you’ve successfully self-improved in the right areas, you can use this conversation as an opportunity to drop hints about your accomplishments.
The difficulty of this step highly depends on your ex’s response to the Reengagement Message. If their response is very positive, you may have an easy time continuing the conversation (as you’ve done many times when you were together). If the response is negative, delayed or contains mixed signals, your next message should calibrate accordingly.
After successfully rekindling the spark in the Reigniting Conversation, it’s time to send a message intended to schedule a time to meet up.
There’s a spectrum of how direct this message can be. An example of an indirect message is "Some friends and I are going to shoot pool at the local pub. Shoot me a text if you’re in the area". In this example, a meeting wasn’t even brought up, it was just implied. An example of a direct message would be, "Let’s me at the local pub and shoot some pool at 7:00PM Monday". There’s no room for ambiguity here.
The challenge in writing the Scheduling Meetup Message is in figuring out the right level of directness. The simplest approach would be to match the level of directness the ex is communicating with. Future modules will explain how to figure it out in more detail. Recovering
It’s not over when the Scheduling Meetup Message doesn’t succeed in scheduling a meeting. The best way to recover is to not make a big deal out of it and move on to a new conversational thread.
You can backtrack to Step 6: Reigniting Conversation if the response isn’t too negative. If the response is very negative, like just a “No” or no response at all. You may have to backtrack to Step 3: No Contact Period.
This 7-Step guide is a great starting point, but it may not be the ideal plan for you. There are various ways you’d want to modify the plan depending on your unique situation. For the same reason doctors don’t prescribe the same drug to every patient with a headache - it doesn’t work the same for everyone.